I was supposed to die
by Ruthyroo
Summary: After tonight's E4 episode. Not the ending i wanted for our boys. Stendan.


** Heartbroken about the ending we got, it's even put me off writing, lets hope we can all keep them alive...together. **

**I was supposed to die :(**

"No, right you listen to me for once, I'm gonna be there at the trial, any court appearances, yeah I am, I'm gonna come and see you inside as much as they'll let me. No, do you even know what love is? Because I don't think you do, otherwise you wouldn't walk into my life, let me fall in love with you then leave, it's not fair. Or do you want me to spend the rest of my life with people telling me that I'm better off without you because I'm not. I've lost my kids so you're the only thing I've got left now but it's enough. Because before I met you, I didn't even know who I was but I do now, and that's thanks to you. You can't leave now, cos we're just getting started aren't we? And I know how hard it was for you to tell me about your dad but you did, because me and you, we can do anything can't we? So please, just tell the truth. I just don't understand how you can do this to someone that loves you as much as me. I can't do this without you.

Nothing's ever gonna change, and I'm never gonna feel any differently about you.

No, no, no, no, I love you, I love you, I love you Brendan."

This is it, the last time that I'm ever going to see his face and I'm okay with that I guess. I act distant and cold now because if I don't then it will make all of this so much harder for him and I can't put him through anymore. He thinks I don't know what love is, but the truth is I do. Love is letting someone go even when it destroys you, love is putting someone else's feelings before your own, love is everything I had with him, but our future is gone now and there is no happy ending this time.

He wants to be there for me, even now and it breaks my heart inside to see him so vulnerable and exposed, especially when I act like everything has turned out for the best. I don't want this…I don't want us to end this way, but I know that it has to end. I don't want him giving up anymore of his life for me, he has sacrificed enough for me…well no more. I don't deserve him or his love. In time he will see that all this was for the best and who knows one day he might even thank me.

He is destined for better things, better than I could ever give him, I promised him a future he deserves and now I'm giving it to him. I wanted it to be with me, I really did and for a while we were so close to real happiness, but it wasn't meant to be. He fell in love with me and I fell in love with him, we just met at the wrong time, even the wrong lifetime, but I know that all the while I'm still breathing I will love him. He changed everything, he changed me and I will never forget that.

He is free now, free from all the pain and the suffering that i put him through, he can start to live his life again and in time meet someone new. It makes me feel sick to even think about someone else putting their hands on him, but I know someone will snap him up soon, he's simply beautiful. I have no rights over him anymore, I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it, no matter how much it hurts me. I have some wonderful memories of him, of us together and that's so much more than I've ever had before. My memories before him were filled with great sadness.

I know he loves me, I've never felt more loved before from anyone, I just wish he knew how much I loved him back…I should of have told him one last time, but I didn't want to give him hope. I'm going to be inside for life and I won't let him waste his over me…I'm not worth it. He says that he will never feel any differently about me, but one day he will. One day he'll wake up and see me for the person I am and then all of this won't matter anymore.

He is crying his heart out, he can hardly breathe through his tears and my unreadable expression must make this torture for him. I don't show him any emotion even when he begs. I want to, but what would be the point? If I started I wouldn't be able to stop and there is no one there to catch me when I fall now. My life is over, I have no fight left in me…my soul is dead and I have nothing to offer him anymore.

My new home awaits and watching them rip him from me, from our last kiss was when it finally hit me and i broke down. With him gone I could show all the pain. I wanted him more than he will ever know…I just wish I could have made him proud of me…just once. But I turned his world upside down and I hurt him so badly at times, I guess this is my karma…fates revenge. My heartbreak will last for all eternity and I know that I will never stop loving him.

I will have all the time in the world to think of him and what could have been, he will always be the one for me; I just can't have him anymore. Life for me is going to be hell now, but I've already been there before, so I guess it doesn't really matter. I will pray for him, pray for someone to come and rescue him from his despair. As for me I might just go insane…let my despair take me, anything's better than the life I'm about to start.

I hope he knows how happy he made me, I hope he knows what a difference he made to me and my life and I hope that one day he will find peace, because to think of him never being happy again just pains me so much. I will never forget him; he will remain in my heart until it stops beating. We were torn apart by others, but this…being away from him and still alive wasn't the ending I'd hoped for. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He was supposed to have closure, He was supposed to say goodbye for good and I was supposed to die.

**Please review xx xx xx**


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